I have had a emotional week

I am exhausted! It was one of those emotional rollercoaster weeks. Alot going on alot to deal with.

It started with a court hearing for my EX-step Dad. He has been in prison for 6 years. He is there for molesting boys. His term is 6yrs - Life for 4 counts of molestation. The hearing was harder then I expected. All of his family was there. We had to walk past them and feel their eyes stare us down. They all went up to Ashlie and hugged her, she was a wreck. She bawled and bawled. She hasn't had a chance to deal with what happened, to make since of it all. It was really hard for her. The hardest part the whole thing was seeing him. He looked sick. I didn't even recongnize him. It was like you could see his soul. Prison has made him face his demons. I could see that. That was sad, I felt bad for him. I don't know if that is something I should feel bad about but I do. The two interesting details that came out in the hearing was that he was molested as a child by his older brother. The brother that was a stake pres. The brother that covered for him, that lied for him, hid him from the police and that gave him a temple recommend after he was put in prison. I could never make sense of that, I always wondered if his brother had any kind of a soul. How could he lie like that to everyone around him and then judge other people as the stake pres? But now it makes sence. I am sure the brother feels like he is to blame for why my ex Step Dad is the way he is. The other thing that happened was That he ADMITTED to molesting more then what he was charged for. There are 17 reported cases in his file, he was charged for 2 boys, 2 counts each and the police there are 60+ victims. He said there were 25 victims. That admitance was huge. We won't find out for weeks weither or not he gets out but I feel better about it now. I dont think anyone in their right mind would let him out yet, but you never know. We will just hope that he will stay and get the help he needs in prison.

We also have been looking for a house and house stuff never goes smoothly! This week has been crazy that way. We actually put in a offer for a home in our neighboorhood. We weren't too crazy about the house, we didn't want to stay in the neighboorhood and we wanted a bigger yard but it was a good deal so we jumped on it. We the owner didn't go over her numbers before she listed it and after our offer came in and she excepted it she realized she would have to pay us to own it. She didn't like that and she tried to back out. Which was fine with us, we started to look for something else and found a house that was just put up for rent. We loved it! It is in the feilds, it sits on a half acre. It got alot of space, and nice finish work! We filled out a rental app and talked about doing a option to buy. We also talked about Justin finishing the backyard. They were all excited about it and we are filling out our lease agreement on Monday. We will be able to move in on the first of the month!!! SO exciting!

In between all of that I have had photoshoots and I am trying to get that new site up and running. It is taking time but I think it looks really good! I can't wait for it to all work! The flyers are done also and they look soooo goood! I will have to post them later but they look great! I have alot of pictures to post hopefully I can get them up before I go up north. Oh yeah I will be gone Thurs -Thurs next week. I have a photoshoot up north and then I am going to a friends for a day or two then off to my dads. I wonder if Justin will get any packing done while I am gone...

As always

So much going on. So much to type. I have alot of business stuff I am doing. I have been working with a grafic designer to finalize my flyers for the drs. office! Soo much time but I can't wait to post them...they are soo cute! My friend Brooke is helping me with them...if you need any work done you must call her she is great to work with and she is priced great! I also am working on my website, it is such a task but I can't wait to get it up...if only I could understand all the domain name, web hosting stuff. I know i am making it harder then it is but I struggle with all the techno details!!!! It will be a whole new site, and I am hoping to have a place for customers to log in to veiw and order picture all on-line. It is still in the works but it another fun thing yet to come in my business! New business cards and referal cards are ordered and should be here soon! Here is a preveiw...

The Pages...

I started some of these last month but didn't offically finish them untill suday. My favorite ones are the top two. I got so much done I have to order more pictures, love that feeling! I will be doing my Hawaii pics next time!

Some of Amber

Just some of my sweet friend Amber and her family. I love the shot of the hair pulling cracks me up!

the conversation

Just wanted to fill you in on the conversation I had with my hubby today. It is nothing serious, it is quite funny actually.

J...."So what are your plans today?"
K..."I need to go to costco and pay some bills. OH and I am going to buy a lens for my camera."
J"You are not."
K Yes I am. I had cash in hand 3 weeks ago to buy the lens, BUT I helped with the bills and bought you a fathers day present. A fathers day present that wasn't good enough." (he bought himself an extra present...new golf clubs and hid them in the garage.) yep not cool!
J "It is not like you haven't ever done that! and besides if you wouldn't freak out about money, i wouldn't have to hide them"
K "well if you wouldn't control the money, nether would I"
J "Well we are even"
K "We will be when I get me lens"

AND I went and bought the lens :)

Canon 85 mm F 1.4 I can't wait to play!

Heres is a link to the lens, I didn't buy it from here, it gives you an idea of what I got.

http://cgi.ebay.com/Canon-EF-85mm-f-1-8-USM-Lens-Package-NEW-USA_W0QQitemZ220003415810QQihZ012QQcategoryZ4687QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

I am feeling the itch

the itch to scrapbook. I haven't sat down and scrapped for months, in fact the last scrap session I did was back when I lost that contest. Remember the contest for that brown and pink bag? I need to get moving on some pages, it is not like I dont have pictures, I have just lacked the energy and time to sit and scrap for days on end...I am caught up on work and my house is almost clean so I am thinking that tomarrow I will sit down and scrap put some fabulous pages! Coming SOON!

Is it just me?

Or does she just look so much more grown up now that she is three? I sware she has matured alot. She has been telling me stories with one hand on her hip and one finger pointed directly at me. It is almost like a "listen hear Mom" attitude she does. I love it!

Back from the trip

yuck. that all it was. yuck. no good news typing here. it was a fighting trip. it was not fun. I don't like my husband right now. I am onry at everyone. if you want to stop reading feel free, I am going to vent some.

I guess it started out bad, I had full intentions of going to the reception, that was until I found out it was at 2:30. There was no way that was going to work. Justin had to finish up jobs and we didn't leave till 5:00, no chance to visit friends, just driving till 11:00. I was not happy, but still ok with it all. I understand he had to finish stuff.

We see my Dad and Sister on Sunday, go to lunch, spend time with the kids and him. Go to the little pathetic park/zoo in Logan and Drive home. Not much to tell here. I always love seeing my Dad and Sister.

Then it was off to Mnt Timpanogas for the family reunion, Justin got up and went golfing with my step dad. I wanted to get going right after he came home. After all, why come up and not be around to spend the time with HIS family;y? He wanted to nap and it all started there. We bickered while I packed the entire truck up while he sat and watched TV. I asked several times for help but once he knows I am bothered he likes to play a little game of ...What else can I do, to piss her off? I tried really hard to not get wrapped up in it and thought how pathetic it is that I he stills taunts people like this, he is almost 30, will he ever grow up? I also want to go into Tai Pan for some decor stuff, So I tried to hold in my emotion so that I could still get what I wanted! (I know ,I know don't judge me) Tai Pan didn't go over so well with Justin. He bitched and moaned about going the whole time, and I walked off to shop with our him. Turned out to be a much better choice. I scored some awesome vintage airplanes for Kase's room. I love them! They are perfect. So we finally arrive at camp, get things ready and have an ok night.

The next day we got up at the butt crack of dawn to hike to the cave. We took the kids, Macie got a free ride on Dads back and Kase had to walk. He dramatically collapsed every once in a while because he was soooooo tired! The cave was fascinating, well worth the hike. Back at camp it started raining. Justin and his ego refused to put a tarp over the tent or bag up our blankets. I didn't have the energy to fight him and we got soaked. The remainder of the day we fought about weather or not we were sleeping in the tent. He wanted to still feel like he made the best decision. I was furious, it is one thing to want to protect your ego, but to want to make your own kids suffer because of it by sleep in under soaked blankets...Not cool. Now I am sure this could have easily been solved, but he walked away from me and that was it. I didn't speak to him the rest of the night. I packed the kids' things and prepare to sleep in the truck. We ended up in bunk beds at the lodge and he slept alone with the "not wet" blankets.

So I am not happy at him, I think that other unsolved issues come back up on the table when we fight like this and now it feels like a huge unsolvable mess. I feel a lot of resentment over the not getting pregnant issue. He brings up crap about it being my fault we aren't going to try to have kids, I am a "mess." I guess I am, I think you would too if you felt like your world was turned upside down. That all the progress you had made wasn't good enough. To have everything you thought your life was going to be, not be. I hate feeling like nothing has changed. I don't want it to be this way, I want to be able to prove to all the people who said this marriage wasn't going to last wrong. It hurts to know that there where very few people in support of us. But what bothers me the most is, why can't I make this right?

I am unable to bury my emotions, I guess you could say I wear my heart on my sleeve. I cry a lot, I cried watching that Cars movie that just came out, got made fun of because of it. I can't control it. It is a huge strength and weakness all wrapped into one. At times I hate it, I am embarrassed by it. Other times I embrace it. This trip made me hate it. I got all upset. Everyone knew it, everyone got involved. eeeerrrr. It was just yuck. yuck. yuck. yuck.

Crashing the Party.

Yep. Those might not be my exact intentions BUT a friend from HS is getting married and happened to not invite me. Weird, I know. We kept in touch until December of this year and it seems she has cut me off. With this particular friend it happens alot so, you just move on, and in the case go to the reception anyways. The closer it got to the date (it is tomarrow) I started feeling not so good about myself. It hasn't helped that I have had the blues quite a bit lately, gaining weight, no time for the gym, behind on work, stuck in the house, stuck in the DIRTY house. Anyways it all was bogging me down, so Justin said I should go and get my hair done. Great idea Honey! Hairs great...alittle punk rock but it is a great change. I love ME therapy, just give me some money and I am good to go! Well the therapy didn't stop there, the Hair needed an outfit to match so not only am I crashing, well sort of crashing a reception, I am going to look Damn hot doing it!

WHATEVER!

Errr! Spent all day trying to add that header to my blog. I had invisioned it much bigger! But I can't figure it out. I ahve resized in PS, resized my template stuff and this is as big as it get....so WHATEVER I am going to bed!

Happy Birthday Macie!

My little princess is 3! We had a great hula party on Tuesday for her.... kiddie pool, luau, and presents. Tons of kids, seriously needin a bigger house. And boy did that girl get spoiled! She has got toys all over the place, and of course her favorite present ended up being the 2 babies that Angela & Drake got her. She has toted them everywhere today. They already have names....McKai and Kinnley! Yes all of her babies have names, it is hell when one is missing!

It is hard to see her grow up so fast! I miss the baby girl in her!

I just love it when...

my kids repeat something I say. Most of the time I wish they don't . Exspecially the bad word or the telling another child to sit in time out before "I beat your butt"... but today in the bath I heard Kase tell Macie...

"You are suppose to share! That is what Santa & Jesus wants us to do!"

At least he is worried about impressing them both! It totally cracked me up!

Check out these checks!

http://www.uniquechecks.com/shop/product.aspx?ProductID=8MURPCHK(Base)&CategoryName=&SubcategoryName=PERSONAL-UC(Base)&CategoryCode=

I just ordered them and I love them! You can upload 4 full size pictures and they print them out. They are a bit pricey and Justin wasn't too happy with me when he saw how much I paid but they are free advertising for me!!! I get excited everytime I write a check!

Here are the shots I picked for mine!

WOW!

6 POSTS! That has to be a record! Thank you for your support and kind words! I have had a hard week! Thank you!

More thoughts on our Marriage

I have spent the last week trying to calm myself down, trying to make myself think before I let my emotions get ahold of me. I have come to the conclusion that although we have made alot of improvements in our relationship, it isn't ready for a pregnancy and another baby. The reason I think this is because as far as solving the big issues, we haven't changed. We get stressed, we yell, I cry and that is it. We don't solve, we yell and ignore. Honestly Justin doesn't want to solve. He would rather push it under the rug and hope it goes away. That never works! At the time that seems like the easiest answer but it builds up and eventually comes out.

So right now I just feel defeated, completely defeated. I am so disapointed and I am still really angry at Justin. We tried to have a talk over the weekend and it consisted of me talking. He wouldn't even interact with me. It is not right. I should be able to express my emotions, I should be able to have a conversation with him without yelling and bawling. Without being ignored. I don't know how to solve this one and I think that is what is driving me crazy. I lose, he doesn't. He never does, he never feels the loss. He doesn't care. I hate that, I hate not having control, not having opinions validated. I hate being so wrapped up in a person, so desperate to have him love me. Right now I hate our marriage. Right now all the feelings from before have come back and it is painful to deal with them again. Right now I feel hopeless and that is the worst feeling to feel.

More newborn pics

Ahh Sweet Little Hunter....isn't he cute? I wanted to post these because the first shot had special meaning to it. It was his grandpas hat but his grandpa died three weeks before he was born. It had special meaning and I love that his mom asked for it to be included. He doesn't know it yet but one day he will understand why he has a picture in a cowboy hat.

The Good News

This my friends is a million dollar picture! Ok so maybe not a million but I am hoping it will give my business the boost we need.
So Last Saturday I did another newborn shoot. It just happened to be the Grandbaby of the best OBGYN in town. Well he was there at the shoot! His wife tells me that she will be hanging these pictures in his office! Yeah, talk about the preasure! So I ran out to my car and prayed my heart out. We are talking about the best kind of free advertisement in town! The shoot went so good, I got great shots of him holding his grandbaby in his scrubs. I was totally pleased with them! They all were thrilled with the pictures and Dr. Lunt tells me I can bring in any flyers or anything I want into his office and to call him personally! Then his wife says, "you call me when you are ready to bring in flyers I will personally put them in the take home bags we give to our new moms." She gives me her cell and home phone number! Can you believe it? I am soo excited beacuse this is the IN I was looking for! I wanted to go to his office and ask about it but they just gave me the personal thumbs up. What an increadable oppertunity for my little humble business!



{Ok I have to type a little shout out to the nurses that talked me up to Dr. Lunt, Thank thank thank you Melissa, Nicole and Rachael! You guys have been so awsome with referals! THANK YOU!}

The Bad News

I am not pregnant. Well I avoided posting this because I was still stupidly hoping that my period would just stop and that would be a sign that I was actually pregnant! I know it sounds silly but that is what happened with Macie, i had a half of a period. But after 3 negitive pregnancy test I've gotta except, admit that it is not happening. I had a really bad day yesterday, I yelled a lot, cried alot and tried to just get work done for the day. A neighboor came and took Kase and he was gone all afternoon, and Macie got in huge trouble ( i woke up to syrup all over the house ) so she went with her Dad. That left me the afternoon to edit photos and run around getting ready for my shoot last night. I had time to think and settle down.

My thoughts on it all

( I am not trying to make this sound all dramatic, I know it's only be one month)

It really made me rethink it all. Are we really ready? Or more like is Justin ready? I asked him a couple months ago if he was ready, really ready. Meaning ready for helping me a lot more, exspecially when I am sick. Ready for the hormones and emotional changes my body goes through. The last two pregnancy were so hard on our realtionship. I remember laying on the floor sobing my eyes out, and wishing that I would just die. I honsetly wanted to die. He took sometime to think and came back with a yes, he was ready. WELL last week we were having an argument and he told me he was going to move out if I was pregnant, he couldn't handle it! So much for commitment!!!! yeah I'm rethinking that plan!

Not being pregnant as planned got me thinking. (still not trying to be dramatic)Knowing what I know about this next baby, are we ready? Right now at this second (right in the middle of a huge fight with Justin) I would be insane to say yes. But there is more to it. Justin still will not go to all three meetings of church, he doesn't gather us to pray, or do family home evening. He can hardle stand the kids we have. He works long hours, he hates to communicate with me.

And of course there is me. There are times I don't feel like I can handle the kids. No I am not a perfect person, I still yell too much, I don't say my prayers everynight, or read scriptures hardly ever. But I love my kids, and I know there is another baby in heaven waiting for us to get everything together. Waiting for us to prepare a home rightous enough for him.

So I am torn. Maybe because I want this so bad. I just feel like I went from, everything is wonderfull stage back to reality so quickly! Life has away of bringing you down. It is just hard to know when timing is right. What's even harder is waiting for Justin to figure things out. I am not patient, I want things done on my time. That doesn't help him, I know but after 3 years can't he deciede what he wants, what he believes, what he loves? I guess it is more complicated then that.

My conclusion, God will not send another child to us if it was going to destroy our relatioinship completely. I don't know if we will try again this next month. It will take some serious sorries and promise to make things better right now. I guess I will go back to soul searching to find my answer. But even at that i don't think it is time. That is a hard thing to except.

*Please don't judge me...I realize that this is out there in the open for everyone to judge and pick apart. I guess that is the down side of having my journal online but this is really my only journal so when i need to get things off my chest everyone gets a peice. I really don't want any emails or comments saying "don't have anymore kids...bla,bla,bla." Please just trust that I am an adult, that I can make decisions and that I will make my own choice. I also don't want it to look like our relationship has completly gone to pot, believe it or not we have come along way. We still struggle, we struggle daily to keep things together, I guess that is just how our marrige works. thanks*

I am so not a patient person!

I do not like waiting to find out if Hawaii was the sucess it was supose to be OR in other words if I am pregnant. I don't like waiting! I just want to know either way what is in store for the next couple of months! Ahhh! I just want to know! Just 4 more days and I can start testing...so just get me through those 4 days!

Makenzie and Ethen

Just some shots for a friend, thye drove us to the airport in LA,3 hour drive for 60 miles! Yep! It sucked! I just want to be able to say thank you to her!
This first shot the little girls got a bug in her finger...cute kids hun?