I had a huge talk with my step dad this last week while visiting my Mom's. It was a real eye opening experience! I have been thinking about it alot this week. I have a huge problem with how I feel about myself. This is probably a struggle I will have all my life. But I am starting to understand why I am the way that I am. Blaine (step-dad) gave me some examples and it help put my feeling into words. He said...
Everbody in their life is writing an ESSAY about there life. When we are young we feel unstopable, confidant and very sercure with ourselves. Somewhere along the lines that changes. Maybe it is being tease or something like that that makes us wonder "am I ___________?" For me it started when I started school, We moved around alot and I never adapted the social skills to make friends. I was teased and ridicled. I ate alone, I was pushed by girls as I walked home. I started wondering what was wrong with me, why didn't people like me?
So I started my THESUS..."I am stupid, ugly, fat, unlovable...etc I dont know exactly what I was telling myself . It was just negitive. Then I started looking for the PROOF. After all you need proof to suport your thesus! All it takes is one person to call me "stupid" or "ugly" or whatever. There! There is my PROOF! Now it doesn't matter how many people tell me I am pretty, or smart or whatever I have the proof to back up my thesus that I am no good.
I have been doing this most of my life, In everything I do. I am never good enough.
The first problem is that I am not good enough for me! I am the one that is setting the bar here and it is way too. It is unreachable. I can never be that person, no one could. What Blaine pointed out is that, one day we will each be judge on the intent of our heart. If my goal is to be a good Mom, a vailent saint, a good friend & wife ...etc. and I fall short, if my heart is in the right place I will be forgiven of the short comings. Yes I dont read scriptures to my kids everynight, I never have a super clean house, I lose my temper way too much BUT I am trying. That is what I need to keep telling myself. I am trying.
The second problem is that I expect other people (parents, Justin, Friends) to over compinsate, and over praise to make me feel better. That is why other people's opinion is so terribly important to me. It is like the "bucket with a hole" senerio. Not matter how fast you fill it will never be full. I am expecting all these other people to fill my bucket and they cant do it. They would never be able to make me feel "full". What I need to be doing is figuring out how to plug the hole!
So now that I have recognized this and am starting to understand it ...How do I change it? How do I change my thesus? How do i fill the hole? That is what I have been left to figure out. How do I change it?
Everbody in their life is writing an ESSAY about there life. When we are young we feel unstopable, confidant and very sercure with ourselves. Somewhere along the lines that changes. Maybe it is being tease or something like that that makes us wonder "am I ___________?" For me it started when I started school, We moved around alot and I never adapted the social skills to make friends. I was teased and ridicled. I ate alone, I was pushed by girls as I walked home. I started wondering what was wrong with me, why didn't people like me?
So I started my THESUS..."I am stupid, ugly, fat, unlovable...etc I dont know exactly what I was telling myself . It was just negitive. Then I started looking for the PROOF. After all you need proof to suport your thesus! All it takes is one person to call me "stupid" or "ugly" or whatever. There! There is my PROOF! Now it doesn't matter how many people tell me I am pretty, or smart or whatever I have the proof to back up my thesus that I am no good.
I have been doing this most of my life, In everything I do. I am never good enough.
The first problem is that I am not good enough for me! I am the one that is setting the bar here and it is way too. It is unreachable. I can never be that person, no one could. What Blaine pointed out is that, one day we will each be judge on the intent of our heart. If my goal is to be a good Mom, a vailent saint, a good friend & wife ...etc. and I fall short, if my heart is in the right place I will be forgiven of the short comings. Yes I dont read scriptures to my kids everynight, I never have a super clean house, I lose my temper way too much BUT I am trying. That is what I need to keep telling myself. I am trying.
The second problem is that I expect other people (parents, Justin, Friends) to over compinsate, and over praise to make me feel better. That is why other people's opinion is so terribly important to me. It is like the "bucket with a hole" senerio. Not matter how fast you fill it will never be full. I am expecting all these other people to fill my bucket and they cant do it. They would never be able to make me feel "full". What I need to be doing is figuring out how to plug the hole!
So now that I have recognized this and am starting to understand it ...How do I change it? How do I change my thesus? How do i fill the hole? That is what I have been left to figure out. How do I change it?
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