Crashing the Party.

Yep. Those might not be my exact intentions BUT a friend from HS is getting married and happened to not invite me. Weird, I know. We kept in touch until December of this year and it seems she has cut me off. With this particular friend it happens alot so, you just move on, and in the case go to the reception anyways. The closer it got to the date (it is tomarrow) I started feeling not so good about myself. It hasn't helped that I have had the blues quite a bit lately, gaining weight, no time for the gym, behind on work, stuck in the house, stuck in the DIRTY house. Anyways it all was bogging me down, so Justin said I should go and get my hair done. Great idea Honey! Hairs great...alittle punk rock but it is a great change. I love ME therapy, just give me some money and I am good to go! Well the therapy didn't stop there, the Hair needed an outfit to match so not only am I crashing, well sort of crashing a reception, I am going to look Damn hot doing it!

WHATEVER!

Errr! Spent all day trying to add that header to my blog. I had invisioned it much bigger! But I can't figure it out. I ahve resized in PS, resized my template stuff and this is as big as it get....so WHATEVER I am going to bed!

Happy Birthday Macie!

My little princess is 3! We had a great hula party on Tuesday for her.... kiddie pool, luau, and presents. Tons of kids, seriously needin a bigger house. And boy did that girl get spoiled! She has got toys all over the place, and of course her favorite present ended up being the 2 babies that Angela & Drake got her. She has toted them everywhere today. They already have names....McKai and Kinnley! Yes all of her babies have names, it is hell when one is missing!

It is hard to see her grow up so fast! I miss the baby girl in her!

I just love it when...

my kids repeat something I say. Most of the time I wish they don't . Exspecially the bad word or the telling another child to sit in time out before "I beat your butt"... but today in the bath I heard Kase tell Macie...

"You are suppose to share! That is what Santa & Jesus wants us to do!"

At least he is worried about impressing them both! It totally cracked me up!

Check out these checks!

http://www.uniquechecks.com/shop/product.aspx?ProductID=8MURPCHK(Base)&CategoryName=&SubcategoryName=PERSONAL-UC(Base)&CategoryCode=

I just ordered them and I love them! You can upload 4 full size pictures and they print them out. They are a bit pricey and Justin wasn't too happy with me when he saw how much I paid but they are free advertising for me!!! I get excited everytime I write a check!

Here are the shots I picked for mine!

WOW!

6 POSTS! That has to be a record! Thank you for your support and kind words! I have had a hard week! Thank you!

More thoughts on our Marriage

I have spent the last week trying to calm myself down, trying to make myself think before I let my emotions get ahold of me. I have come to the conclusion that although we have made alot of improvements in our relationship, it isn't ready for a pregnancy and another baby. The reason I think this is because as far as solving the big issues, we haven't changed. We get stressed, we yell, I cry and that is it. We don't solve, we yell and ignore. Honestly Justin doesn't want to solve. He would rather push it under the rug and hope it goes away. That never works! At the time that seems like the easiest answer but it builds up and eventually comes out.

So right now I just feel defeated, completely defeated. I am so disapointed and I am still really angry at Justin. We tried to have a talk over the weekend and it consisted of me talking. He wouldn't even interact with me. It is not right. I should be able to express my emotions, I should be able to have a conversation with him without yelling and bawling. Without being ignored. I don't know how to solve this one and I think that is what is driving me crazy. I lose, he doesn't. He never does, he never feels the loss. He doesn't care. I hate that, I hate not having control, not having opinions validated. I hate being so wrapped up in a person, so desperate to have him love me. Right now I hate our marriage. Right now all the feelings from before have come back and it is painful to deal with them again. Right now I feel hopeless and that is the worst feeling to feel.

More newborn pics

Ahh Sweet Little Hunter....isn't he cute? I wanted to post these because the first shot had special meaning to it. It was his grandpas hat but his grandpa died three weeks before he was born. It had special meaning and I love that his mom asked for it to be included. He doesn't know it yet but one day he will understand why he has a picture in a cowboy hat.

The Good News

This my friends is a million dollar picture! Ok so maybe not a million but I am hoping it will give my business the boost we need.
So Last Saturday I did another newborn shoot. It just happened to be the Grandbaby of the best OBGYN in town. Well he was there at the shoot! His wife tells me that she will be hanging these pictures in his office! Yeah, talk about the preasure! So I ran out to my car and prayed my heart out. We are talking about the best kind of free advertisement in town! The shoot went so good, I got great shots of him holding his grandbaby in his scrubs. I was totally pleased with them! They all were thrilled with the pictures and Dr. Lunt tells me I can bring in any flyers or anything I want into his office and to call him personally! Then his wife says, "you call me when you are ready to bring in flyers I will personally put them in the take home bags we give to our new moms." She gives me her cell and home phone number! Can you believe it? I am soo excited beacuse this is the IN I was looking for! I wanted to go to his office and ask about it but they just gave me the personal thumbs up. What an increadable oppertunity for my little humble business!



{Ok I have to type a little shout out to the nurses that talked me up to Dr. Lunt, Thank thank thank you Melissa, Nicole and Rachael! You guys have been so awsome with referals! THANK YOU!}

The Bad News

I am not pregnant. Well I avoided posting this because I was still stupidly hoping that my period would just stop and that would be a sign that I was actually pregnant! I know it sounds silly but that is what happened with Macie, i had a half of a period. But after 3 negitive pregnancy test I've gotta except, admit that it is not happening. I had a really bad day yesterday, I yelled a lot, cried alot and tried to just get work done for the day. A neighboor came and took Kase and he was gone all afternoon, and Macie got in huge trouble ( i woke up to syrup all over the house ) so she went with her Dad. That left me the afternoon to edit photos and run around getting ready for my shoot last night. I had time to think and settle down.

My thoughts on it all

( I am not trying to make this sound all dramatic, I know it's only be one month)

It really made me rethink it all. Are we really ready? Or more like is Justin ready? I asked him a couple months ago if he was ready, really ready. Meaning ready for helping me a lot more, exspecially when I am sick. Ready for the hormones and emotional changes my body goes through. The last two pregnancy were so hard on our realtionship. I remember laying on the floor sobing my eyes out, and wishing that I would just die. I honsetly wanted to die. He took sometime to think and came back with a yes, he was ready. WELL last week we were having an argument and he told me he was going to move out if I was pregnant, he couldn't handle it! So much for commitment!!!! yeah I'm rethinking that plan!

Not being pregnant as planned got me thinking. (still not trying to be dramatic)Knowing what I know about this next baby, are we ready? Right now at this second (right in the middle of a huge fight with Justin) I would be insane to say yes. But there is more to it. Justin still will not go to all three meetings of church, he doesn't gather us to pray, or do family home evening. He can hardle stand the kids we have. He works long hours, he hates to communicate with me.

And of course there is me. There are times I don't feel like I can handle the kids. No I am not a perfect person, I still yell too much, I don't say my prayers everynight, or read scriptures hardly ever. But I love my kids, and I know there is another baby in heaven waiting for us to get everything together. Waiting for us to prepare a home rightous enough for him.

So I am torn. Maybe because I want this so bad. I just feel like I went from, everything is wonderfull stage back to reality so quickly! Life has away of bringing you down. It is just hard to know when timing is right. What's even harder is waiting for Justin to figure things out. I am not patient, I want things done on my time. That doesn't help him, I know but after 3 years can't he deciede what he wants, what he believes, what he loves? I guess it is more complicated then that.

My conclusion, God will not send another child to us if it was going to destroy our relatioinship completely. I don't know if we will try again this next month. It will take some serious sorries and promise to make things better right now. I guess I will go back to soul searching to find my answer. But even at that i don't think it is time. That is a hard thing to except.

*Please don't judge me...I realize that this is out there in the open for everyone to judge and pick apart. I guess that is the down side of having my journal online but this is really my only journal so when i need to get things off my chest everyone gets a peice. I really don't want any emails or comments saying "don't have anymore kids...bla,bla,bla." Please just trust that I am an adult, that I can make decisions and that I will make my own choice. I also don't want it to look like our relationship has completly gone to pot, believe it or not we have come along way. We still struggle, we struggle daily to keep things together, I guess that is just how our marrige works. thanks*

I am so not a patient person!

I do not like waiting to find out if Hawaii was the sucess it was supose to be OR in other words if I am pregnant. I don't like waiting! I just want to know either way what is in store for the next couple of months! Ahhh! I just want to know! Just 4 more days and I can start testing...so just get me through those 4 days!

Makenzie and Ethen

Just some shots for a friend, thye drove us to the airport in LA,3 hour drive for 60 miles! Yep! It sucked! I just want to be able to say thank you to her!
This first shot the little girls got a bug in her finger...cute kids hun?

ya! in our yard! Yuck! and get this, i tried to take a picture of it and it got out of the pot and ran towards me i screamed so load! It totally freaks me out. They are the most evil, devil-like things EVER! GROSS!

You have not experience true boyhood until you catch your first frog! But does it count when your Mom catches it for you and forces you to hold it? Poor picked on kid! His Mom is sooooo mean and MAKES him hold a toad, he screamed the whole time and them dropped the dumb thing.

Macie on the other hand was chasing it, holding it and and kissing it! I have to admit I told her to kiss so she could have a prince like Cinderella…hehehe

My baby boy just turned 5

5 years old, this can't be happening! WOW 5 years ago I was in the Madison Memorial Hospital (rexburg, id) having my little boy. My first baby, my first experience at motherhood, my first real taste of love in the purest form. Ok ...crying now, sob sob. I just can't believe. He has changed alot in this last year and I am so sad that he is growing more and more each day. Oh what I would pay to freeze time and be able to soak up everything about him forever!















This was the only shot of Kase I got the actually day of his party...little was too busy having fun and playing! At least you can see the superman shirt!


So the super hero party was a success, Kase had alot of fun! I am glad that his is done this year, now I need to work on Macie's!

can't forget the flowers!

Check out the colors on these! Most of them are strait our of my camera, I never get good color so I am sooo amazed! The flowers there were just breath taking!

Random Photogs from HI

Just a few random shots the last one is the first pic we took on the island! It had to be in front of a tiki! I love the sunset one...i had to tweak it in PS to make the colors cool but still...LOVE IT! Also the shot of me get sprayed by a wave...seriously soaked me!

The Luau

Justin totally surprised me with this one, when we were buying all of our activities I thought the cheaper the better right? But Justin didn’t want to just go to a buffet style Luau… “if we are going to pay the money why not go to the nice one?” So this Luau was awesome, you visited 4 different Polynesian countries. Each place was represented by the food and their dance. Everything was brought out with beautiful presentations, but the food was NASTY! Too much seaweed and fish---and I normally like fish. The only thing I really liked was the Hawaii pig was so good! And so were all of the virgin drinks we ordered! The dancing and the service was totally worth the money!

This was what I was looking forward to doing the whole time…Snorkeling! Justin first refused to go, he fought me tooth and nail BUT I wouldn’t let him be such a butt and his whining went unheard. I finally bribed him with floatation devices, I told him I would wear one too and that seemed calm his nerves.


So after all the complaining, guess what…he LOVED it! It was so much fun! The first time we got into the water and tried out our snorkel stuff I felt like I was having a panic attack… I was breathing all funky and fast but once I get use to the fact that I was underwater breathing it was easy! The fish were so cool they would just swim right next to us. It was so much fun and all I heard Justin say the whole time was wow this is fun, oh how cool, that was a lot of fun! I have a hard time not saying …I TOLD YOU SOOOO!

Haleakala

aka the Volcano of Maui. It was huge! We could have paid 120 bucks to ride down the volocano BUT you had to get up at 3:30 to be able to see the sunrise...3:30 ! No thanks! What was cool about this was that you had to drive up threw the clouds to get here. So when you were up top it felt like you where soooo high. You can see the clouds in the background...so pretty!

ZIP LINES!

OHHHH! MYYY GOOOOSHHH! This was so fun! This was Jutsin’s activity and I have to say it sounded pretty fun to me. But once we got there and could see how high up we were going to be I got very nervous. You might know by now that when I get nervous I pee my pants, I peed my pants while giving a talk in church (I was 23 yrs old), I use to pee my pants right before drill team performances, I have peed my pants in a walmart parking lot. Don’t laugh at me it is not funny!---well ok it actually is! So I was secretly praying to the Gods that I would not pee me pants! Luckily my prayers were answered and I made threw the trip with no pee, well maybe there were a couple dribbles but nothing you could see! Anyway it was a blast! For some reason I would get turned around backwards so all the shots we have of me going were of my lovely BUTT…enjoy!

The Road to Hana

This was a tiny narrow 15 mph road that led up to a small little village on the far side of the island. The actually road is long (6 hours), slow and scary road. But there are all of these stops and hikes along the way that make it an amazing trip. There are 54 bridges along the road and the majority of them are one lane. It was so beautiful. Once you reach Hana there is a place called the 7 pools, which is just a long waterfall that pools 7 times before it reaches the ocean. We were looking forward to swimming in the pools but the park had them closed because of high water, which sucked for swimming but made great pictures! We also took a 2 mile hike up to a high 400 foot waterfall. The hike sucked, we totally got eaten alive by bugs but there was this thick bamboo forest that we walked threw, it was so thick that you couldn't squeeze threw it if you wanted to! The waterfall was huge and we got some great shots from that hike, oh and I also got a sweet shot of a full moon...thanks to justin! We had alot of locals tell us to head back the back way threw the island, but I was hesitant because the rental car contract says you can't go that way. Of course that is the green light for Justin...tell him not to do something and he does it. The first 40 mins it was a tiny (smaller then before) one lane road around cliffs and ocean. Seriously there where spots where you were look straight down into the ocean, you had to honk at spots to make sure there was no one around the corner. FREAKY! But then the road straitened out and it saved us almost 2hrs to go around that way! It was nice, and now we can say we have been completely around the island of Maui!