I am not pregnant. Well I avoided posting this because I was still stupidly hoping that my period would just stop and that would be a sign that I was actually pregnant! I know it sounds silly but that is what happened with Macie, i had a half of a period. But after 3 negitive pregnancy test I've gotta except, admit that it is not happening. I had a really bad day yesterday, I yelled a lot, cried alot and tried to just get work done for the day. A neighboor came and took Kase and he was gone all afternoon, and Macie got in huge trouble ( i woke up to syrup all over the house ) so she went with her Dad. That left me the afternoon to edit photos and run around getting ready for my shoot last night. I had time to think and settle down.
My thoughts on it all
( I am not trying to make this sound all dramatic, I know it's only be one month)
It really made me rethink it all. Are we really ready? Or more like is Justin ready? I asked him a couple months ago if he was ready, really ready. Meaning ready for helping me a lot more, exspecially when I am sick. Ready for the hormones and emotional changes my body goes through. The last two pregnancy were so hard on our realtionship. I remember laying on the floor sobing my eyes out, and wishing that I would just die. I honsetly wanted to die. He took sometime to think and came back with a yes, he was ready. WELL last week we were having an argument and he told me he was going to move out if I was pregnant, he couldn't handle it! So much for commitment!!!! yeah I'm rethinking that plan!
Not being pregnant as planned got me thinking. (still not trying to be dramatic)Knowing what I know about this next baby, are we ready? Right now at this second (right in the middle of a huge fight with Justin) I would be insane to say yes. But there is more to it. Justin still will not go to all three meetings of church, he doesn't gather us to pray, or do family home evening. He can hardle stand the kids we have. He works long hours, he hates to communicate with me.
And of course there is me. There are times I don't feel like I can handle the kids. No I am not a perfect person, I still yell too much, I don't say my prayers everynight, or read scriptures hardly ever. But I love my kids, and I know there is another baby in heaven waiting for us to get everything together. Waiting for us to prepare a home rightous enough for him.
So I am torn. Maybe because I want this so bad. I just feel like I went from, everything is wonderfull stage back to reality so quickly! Life has away of bringing you down. It is just hard to know when timing is right. What's even harder is waiting for Justin to figure things out. I am not patient, I want things done on my time. That doesn't help him, I know but after 3 years can't he deciede what he wants, what he believes, what he loves? I guess it is more complicated then that.
My conclusion, God will not send another child to us if it was going to destroy our relatioinship completely. I don't know if we will try again this next month. It will take some serious sorries and promise to make things better right now. I guess I will go back to soul searching to find my answer. But even at that i don't think it is time. That is a hard thing to except.
*Please don't judge me...I realize that this is out there in the open for everyone to judge and pick apart. I guess that is the down side of having my journal online but this is really my only journal so when i need to get things off my chest everyone gets a peice. I really don't want any emails or comments saying "don't have anymore kids...bla,bla,bla." Please just trust that I am an adult, that I can make decisions and that I will make my own choice. I also don't want it to look like our relationship has completly gone to pot, believe it or not we have come along way. We still struggle, we struggle daily to keep things together, I guess that is just how our marrige works. thanks*
7 comments:
Kellie. even though we have never met. your an inspiration to me. Hang in there, and trust the lord knows whats best .. thanks for sharing your journals, and your talent.
KELLIE.
kelliejean16@hotmail.com
kellie, i am sorry. you are such a great girl. i'm not sure what to say to make you feel better. just know that everything will work out. when it's meant to be you will get your little baby. don't' give up. maybe you just need to focus on other things and put your energy somewhere else for a little while. i hope you don't feel like this is nagging. you are a great person.
Kellie,
I dont think you are being drama drama. You are expressing your feelings for what they are. It's neat that someone like you can help so many other people without knowing it. SO - maybe you're not exactly ready for another baby right at the moment, it's your decision and yours alone. It's a ton of work, and when you are raising a large child like so many of us are (ahem, a husband), they sometimes take more energy than our other children. None of us are perfect, and none of us will cast the first stone. We'll just try to do our best to help you see that you are an amazing woman that thru your own struggles, you're blessing the lives of many others. *HUGS* Periods suck bytheway... a mean one.
You and I have so much in common. The difference is, you have the balls to say the truth outloud! I love you for it, more than you will ever know.
((HUGS)) its very difficult....Only GODS knows your plan....when the time is right.
the more I read about your life, the more I love you!!!! I have about the same relationship with my dh. Except that my dh says that he is never going to be ready for more kids. I keep praying for the day he is. I know that God has the big picture in mind, and that everything happens for a reason. Hang in there sweetie!!!
Kellie, I believe in fate. If there is a baby in heaven he will come, ready or not. My sister in law had 2 kids, then a miscarriage and then had twins. She had her tubes tied during the C-section but her plan was to only have 3 children and she was planning on getting her tubes tied after the 3rd baby anyway. I believe there was another baby that was sent to her family and twins is how God made it happen. It will happen for you.
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