I have spent the last week trying to calm myself down, trying to make myself think before I let my emotions get ahold of me. I have come to the conclusion that although we have made alot of improvements in our relationship, it isn't ready for a pregnancy and another baby. The reason I think this is because as far as solving the big issues, we haven't changed. We get stressed, we yell, I cry and that is it. We don't solve, we yell and ignore. Honestly Justin doesn't want to solve. He would rather push it under the rug and hope it goes away. That never works! At the time that seems like the easiest answer but it builds up and eventually comes out.
So right now I just feel defeated, completely defeated. I am so disapointed and I am still really angry at Justin. We tried to have a talk over the weekend and it consisted of me talking. He wouldn't even interact with me. It is not right. I should be able to express my emotions, I should be able to have a conversation with him without yelling and bawling. Without being ignored. I don't know how to solve this one and I think that is what is driving me crazy. I lose, he doesn't. He never does, he never feels the loss. He doesn't care. I hate that, I hate not having control, not having opinions validated. I hate being so wrapped up in a person, so desperate to have him love me. Right now I hate our marriage. Right now all the feelings from before have come back and it is painful to deal with them again. Right now I feel hopeless and that is the worst feeling to feel.
2 comments:
it is hard to have so much invested in a person, and you can't just walk away. You don't want to walk away. You just want some love and validation. I know how you feel. That is also why I don't have another baby right now. Big hugs to you, and if you need a friend to talk to, I'm here for you babe!
I wish I could be by you right now and give you a big warm hug. It wouldn't solve any problems, but it would make me feel better. I love ya Kell!
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