I am not calling anyone fat, dont get offended!
It dawned on me that I am not friends with skinny people ....really really really skinny girls. Ok I have to admit that part of the reason is because I am extremly jealous of skinny people. I have battle my weight all of my life, I starved myself when I was in high school and college, I have thrown up after eating and exersized myself to death. I will battle my weight all my life, I will never feel totally ok, never feel totally good about myself. Being around thin people makes me feel horrible. I can't handle it, maybe because that is all I have wanted to be but I have never obtained that. I always think if I could just look like her or her, I would feel better about myself.
What makes skinny people so horrible is that they hate their bodies just as much! I cant handle hearing them complain about there SIZE 2 butt and how they have cottage cheese! I have had friends "diet" while nursing or pregnant, ones that will limit themselves to one slice of bread a day. I have watched them over work and starve themselves. and I wonder what they think about me, I wonder what of my many imperfections they can see. I wonder if they think to themselves...Gosh "Kellie really shouldn't eat that peice of cake, or no wonder she is fat look at how much crap she has eaten!"
I bet you are wondering what started this...well I was at a shoot todayand this lady showed up all skinny AND big boobed and beautiful and I could not talk to her without stumbling all over my words. I was totally intimidated by her, I felt didn't have anything in common. I felt like I was in high school again and things like appearence and boobs where the only things that mattered and I didn't quite measure up.
Have I not learned or grown at all since then? Why can't I just love me, why cant I just be me without compairing myself to everyone else. I am sure I have missed out on some great friendships beacuse of my own insecurities. and that makes me sad. I want to be comfortable in my own skin for once, what will that take?
I guess that is a horrible thing to admit, but I really struggle with it. I dont want to be this way. I want to change.
2 comments:
LOL Kelly! I have been super skinny (not lately, obviously!) but it is true, I hated my body just as much back then. Now I'd LOVE to be 110. Then my hubby stepped in, and told me that I look alot better with more curves, and that he loves my big butt. Ummmm, ya, husbands always know just what to say. Anyway. I think that you are beautiful....stunning actually....and that you shouldn't worry about skinny people with big boobs. I've never seen so many skinny-big-boobed people as there are here in St. George. Its amazing, I tell you! But you should just realize that you are one hot momma, and that you are fabulously talented, and that you make the *best* gingerbread trains! So there you have it. You are beautiful. You are talented, and don't let big boobs get in the way of your happiness! Ticee
ive only been reading your blog a short while.. but i think you are absolutely STUNNING
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