Learning to Love me

I think this will be a challenge I will face all of my life. There will always be someone prettier, skinnier, better then me. I can't keep up, I need to stop compairing and learn how to love me.

my weight today is 162. WOOO HOOOOO! It has fluctuated alot since I started keeping track but this is the lowest it has been so today I am feeling really good. This has been alot harder then I expected! I have my days of discouragement but I also have loved going to the gym. It releases soooo much stress and gives me time for myself.

Four Generation Pics!

My Mom and Grandma came down last weekend...I was able to take some pics of us all. I was so glad that I was able to get us all together and to get some good shots. I love to look at me & my mom side by side. When she smiles big I think we look alot alike I still wonder where my chinese eyes came from! & Of course I am wearing my NEW shirt agian! I am loving it!

The day after these pictures my Grandma went into the hospital, she ended up having surgery and I could help but feel like I had done something right this time around!

I wished that I would have been able to do these shots with my Dads' Mom . She died almost 3 yrs ago and I still miss her so much. I regret that I never got to know her like I should have, that I was never able to say good bye, that I never have the chance to tell her how much I loved and appriciated her. It has made me appriciate the time I do have with grandparents that are still around!

Yeah BABY!!!!

Well I just have to take a sec to brag...I had bunko tonight and I won! (A game which takes absolutly no skill what so ever ) But I was soo thrilled! Total points...432

Natural bunkos...6 yep 6! I seriously was just complaining to Justin that I always get the sucky score and have to pick the prize last. Which is not why I play, it is all about the interaction with other girls for me but still I came home doing my yeah baby dance around the house and I made justin take a pic of me looking so fabulous (lol) with my score card! Oh I am such a house wife!

My Kundalini Yoga Class

Ok first off I have to say I am very anti-chanting, anti-meditaion kind of person. I have always thought that stuff was really weird.

So awhile back I went to this Kundalini Yoga http://www.kundaliniyoga.net/ class thinking it was just a regular yoga type class and it was one of those weird chanting, meditaion classes. Oh Great! I tried to keep an open mind about it, the instructor did all of these breathing exercises and at first I thought what a waste of time. But then she started the mediation part and she put on the most amazing music I have ever heard. She translated the words which made it more beauitful and I sat there feeling more calm and more at peace then I have felt in a long time. What topped it off was I notice she was LDS which also made me feel good about this weird class I had just attended. So I left feeling calm and relaxed but I thought... great that I need to actually work out. Well the next day I was soooo sore, seriously all of my muscles were in PAIN! It was the weirdest thing! So now I try to go back once a week and do that "weird yoga class" because I love it!!!

I think this will be a loooong post!

First off I would like to say how happy it makes me to see people posting comments! ahhhh! thank you! Seriously I hope I get more comments it totally helps me!

I have alot on my mind today so I am needing to get it all out,

I have been really feeling baby hungry for sometime now. I think about it alot, mostly everyday. Mostly because I am a planner like think about what life will be like years, months weeks down the road. Having another child would can change alot, money, house size, jobs. I guess I just like to be prepard. But also becuase I wondering if having another baby is the best thing for us and our family. I always wanted to be a mom, always wanted to raise kids, I just never understood the stuggles that come with it, exspecially the marital problems. I know there is a child waiting to come to our family. I know it. But I struggle with the rest of it. Being pregnant is awful on me, I can't sugar coat it. I am sick most of the time. I wake up pukin' and i go to sleep pukin', yes that part is awful but I can cope with that. I do not enjoy it at all, but I can deal. What is hard is the way Justin handles it all, he refuses to undersand. He gets tired of dealing with "my crap". That is what I struggle with, plus the added emotions from being pregnant make it so hard to cope. All of that makes me wonder if it is time, am I ready for all of that. Is our relationship any different then it was back then? Right now I dont know. I personally feel ready, but I dont know if WE are ready , and that scares me.

I also had a great talk with a friend this week. Our boys are the same age and very simalar in personalities. I realized something yesterday...ne of the reasons I am soo concerned about Kases behavior is because I want people to love him as much as I love him. I want them to see his wonderful characteristic the way I do. I see how some of my friends' children act and I wondering what they think about Kase. I don't want them to think he is a brat or sassy or anything negitive. I want them to love him like I love. I could be asking too much... only I can love him that way. Only I know his personality. I deal with the screaming and the whining and the mis-behaving, and I love him to peices anyway. I just need to not be so hard on myself about this. Kase has a strong personality, he is on this earth at this time for a reason. I just need to learn how to help him grow. I need to learn how to parent him in the most productive way!

That was the other thing we talked about ...maybe there is more to this parenting thing then I have seen. Maybe the reason that Kase is the way he is because there is a lesson I needed to learn. Maybe it is with control or maybe it is with patience. Maybe he was sent to me was because I needed to learn something from him. Not the other way around. I haven't quite figure the reasoning in all of this but it was alot better way to look at it. It sits better in my heart, maybe because that comment lifted so much guilt from me. It made me tell myself,

I am a good Mom

Which is something I rarely say.

tap tap tap...is this thing on???

As I was looking today at the 40 + blogs i have saved in my favorites I noticed something. They all get people to post comments! Hellllllooooo out there I know you all are reading this, some of you check it daily (hint hint) leave a comment PLEASE! I really like getting feedback! Besides it is depressing to see people with 20 comments on 1 post and I dont get any! Come on now...let me know your out there!

mY nEw sHirt & some pics...

I have a new obsession with a shirt. This might seems silly but it is a very rare occasion that I find a shirt that fits and looks good all in one, so when i do it is a huge huge deal! and usually what happens is I wear it so much I wear holes in it! This is the shirt...soo cute hun?

4 Yr Old for Sale!

He is really sweet, compassionate and kind. He loves baseball, and buzz lightyear. He will talk your head off if you let him. He tells corney jokes that you cant help but laugh at. Besides all of his wonderfull characteristics he does have a problem. He is a trouble maker, he pushes the limits and his parents patients far to much. He is soooo not my sweet little boy anymore, so today he is for sale.


...I walked into Kase's room today to find his wall covered in pen drawings. Yes they are really great "SpongBob" characters, BUT Pen on the wall! Then I noticed the collection of Spongbobs on his map, his
40 $ map I bought for his room now has 6 spongbob islands. I chuckle just thinking about it, but when i found it was no laugh matter. He has spent the entire day in his room, no joke entire day. No toys to play with NO more pens to color with, nothing . He is pushing my limits, that child of mine.

I entered a some photogs into a contest...

Please come vote for me :)

http://photocontest.shutterfly.com/action/photocontest/vote?entry=103167

http://photocontest.shutterfly.com/action/photocontest/vote?entry=103172

thanks!

OH! BTW!

If couldnt tell we are not fighting anymore! We both are feeling alot of stress. I found out that me and the kids have broncitis. Justin is getting slow on jobs and don't stress that well, hence all of the pissing and moaning!

A night ALONE!

I surprized Justin for Valentines Day by first sending him on a scavanger hunt around the city with the kids. I sent him to places that were special to us. The last clue was to go to his Brother's house and drop off the kids. He then was suppose to met me at Rococo's (which is a nice steakhouse overlooking the city) We then stayed the night at the hotel that overlooked the city. I highly recomend married couples take a night to be alone, and away from everything! It was very very nice!

Happy Valentines Day!

The Hair Cut!

Macies first to be exact. You dont know how much i have gotten from my sister about Macies hair. Everytime she would see her she would want to chop it off. I could let her do it! Yes it has gone threw many stages...the mullet, the shag, the flip. I just wanted it to grow! Finally I got the guts to trim it, it is nothing drastic, just a trim. I looks so good now, i must say!

Here comes the funny part, just as I was snapping pics of my oh so lovely daughter...she grapped the scissors and snipped her bangs off! er sweet little bangs that have taken forever to grow. What is soo funny about all this is that I took a picture of her doing it. No I didn't put the camera down to take the scissors away, I TOOK THE PICURE! Then it hit me...she actually cut her hair. It is so retarded and yet hillarious at the same time!

errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I am not a fan of the hubster tonight. I am so very pissed off at him. Needless to say we have been arguing, I don't want to get into all the hurtfull things that were said. We are just not getting along. He gets in these mood were he is pissed...now I am not stupid I know people get upset, I know that couples fight, what I dont understand is why he refuses to talk about it. He can piss and moan, call names, hit below the belt and a hour later be fine and what to give me hug. He pretends that nothing is wrong. Is is a bunch of crap! Well yes DEAR I am still mad (the comment about me being a fat pig with not self control is still very fresh in my mind) and NO I do not want to give you a hug! I dont understand it, not at all.

Well , what use to happen after a huge arguement,I usually ended up bawling feeling helpless, worthless, pathetic, and depressed. which would lead me to find something to eat. Usually ice cream or candy, anything that I could shove in my mouth to compinsate for the emptyness that I was feeling. Hence the reason I am now overweight. Well a little while ago I deceided I would stop doing this to myself. I need to turn these negitive feelings into something proactive, get my pathertic butt off the sofa and do something about it.

So I went to the gym for 2 hrs, ahhhhhh it felt great. When I started to get tired I would telling myself all those negitive things justin said and I had more motivation to push myself more. But then I had to come home, back to the feelings of contention. They are so thick sometimes in our house I honestly can feel it. (weird i know) We spent the evening in seperate rooms, which was fine by me, we both needed the space. I woke up and could tell the day was going to be about the same so I cleaned, I cleaned and I cleaned and I cleaned. I rearranged rooms (Kase & Macies) organized toys, scrubbed showers and tubs. You name it was done! Ahhhhhhh! that was another feeling of accomplishment. Justin started in with all his comments and I deceided to go to walmart...Yes is this all on sunday I know I am a sinner!

Well I thought had gotten all the feelings of anger out but as soon as I got to the store they came back with a vengance. I orginally went for food and a couple tupperware boxes and 400 dollars later I was done (we usually only spend 300 a month on groceries). I walked out thinking that will teach him, stupid blankity blank! But immediatly after that came the remorse. and this is where I sit felling just as bad as I did right after our fight, feeling regretfull, hopless,and lonely... agian BUT with sore muscles and a very clean house. Guess you can't have it all :)

ok I have to post some more!!

Ohhhhhh! Babies anyone?

Just a few to share from my shoots this week...the rest are on my website! I just want to eat these babies UP! Enjoy!

I went to work with Justin today!

Well he took the kids for me while i was on a photoshoot...I will post pic later on the photoshoot, I am in love with some of the shots! Anyway, I met Justin afterwards and he was getting rocks for a job. I got to go over to the house and watch him place the rocks, He even had me help with where they went. It was a lot of fun to see him working and doing something so MANLY! :)

Weight Loss Week ...IT SUCKED!

Yeah not a big fan of it right now. At first I lost 10 lbs very quickly and I thought this isn't bad, It is much easier to get motivated when you can see the results, and yes I have people complitment me on how good I am looking. Now It is just hard to not see the same sucess. Ok this is the worst thing...My girls are shrinking! So not only have I not lost very much weight, but the weight I have lost is in my chest. NICE! I think that I need to set a different goal maybe inches lost or something like that. Next week it will be my 1 month mark, and the gym will measure me agian...maybe I will go that route instead cause the whole pound thing is really discouraging me!

Some of my favorite pages

I dont have time to post them all but here is a few ...

I am feeling very Bi-Polar at the moment

I dont know why, I am just doing alot of projects and that is one of the first signs. I have had a huge burst of creativity and I have been scraping a ton. I have completed 30 pages in 4 days. That might not seem like a alot but usually it takes a least an hour to finish just 1 pg. So to have finished 30 is crazy. I also have done personal valentines cards for kase's school and friends. I am working on the kids' bath robes, I have managed to keep a fairly clean house and do laundry also. I have done 2 mothers day presents...yes Mothers day is what 3 months away? I have made new bracletes for Macie and for a friend...Plus the calendar and my additional photo shoots, working out 1 1/2 hrs a day and normal mommy stuff. I don't know why I have been doing all of this. But it is making me feel really crazy. I am getting stuff done so I shouldnt complain but it does worry me. hummmmm

I just wanted to share...

This is one of the blogs I stalk...Her entry was just so touching I wanted to share it.

http://karenrussell.typepad.com/my_lifejust_not_on_the_ro/

some of the Favorite things she said...

"Pam said that she has a 4 minute rule in her house. “You can cry and carry on for 4 minutes, but then you have to get over it”"

"It is a shame that we have to be faced with someone’s tragedy to see the beauty in our own lives. " ...I love this one, it is so true in my life.

Our first Sex Talk...

Yes it has happened, Kase is so curious I should have know it was coming, But seriously it was not that bad!
The other day in the car, He asked me "mom, if McKai (the brother that hasn't been born yet) in in Heaven how will he get in your tummy? I talked about how Mommy has an Egg and how Daddy has a Sperm (which looks like a tadpole) When they met, they start growing, Heavenly Father then says "Mckai" this is your body, it is your turn to come to heaven.

and that was it. Painless.

Now he keeps asking me if I am pregnant yet, when I say "no"
he says "you dont have an egg ready?" Oh that boy makes cracks me up!!