was really good today I just wanted to write about it. The kids had their primary program, which for me means tears. I bawl threw it all. I love how pure and simple their testimonies are. Before doubt and trials change things. I loved listening to them sing. Having Kase up there makes it more meaningful. I am so proud of him, I adore him, and that makes me bawl. It is really embarrassing to me, not because I cry. After 26 years I have embrased the fact that I cry and I cry ALOT. But I hate bringing attention to myself. I dont like people to notice or point out that I am crying. I dont want them to wonder if something is wrong, because I am fine. I just cry. Then in Relief Society we had a great lesson, one I really needed. The speaker talked about trials, but she had 4 sisters come up and share experiences and how they coped with their trials. Each sister I felt had something for me, and I want to write them down so I dont forget about them.

One said that after she had gone threw numerous trials she notice that Heavenly Father had placed her in places that helped her. With a good neighboorhood, good friends or a good calling that helped her overcome all the trials she was going threw. It made me realize that this was true for me too. I have some amazing friends, people who care about me, friends that call, friends that know I am having a bad day and check on me. Friends that understand me and love me. I also had the best calling in my last ward in the young womens, I gained a testimony with those girls and that was during the hardest years of our marriage. It made me feel loved, felt taken care of. I need that in my life. I guess I had always thought that in some small way I was being punished, punished for ALL of many mistakes I have made in my life. But I can see now that it wasn't, it was a trial and that heavenly father hadn't left me alone. That he had blessed me through friends, and callings and neighborhoods.

I bawled threw the entire lesson. I needed this lesson. After the RS Pres came up to me,and gave me a hug. She told me she loved me, that she knew I was going threw alot right now. She just wanted me to know that she loved me. I said thank you and I walked out of the room sobbing.

I have been going threw alot. I am stressed, I am tired. Justin's business has slowed down, he hasn't figured out how to budget. He is stressed, he blames me. It comes out in everything he does. I dont support him enough that is why he isn't sucessfull. I hold him back, I spend his money. Bla bla bla. It all comes out when he is stressed. I fell like I have done everything possible to help him. I have done a budget, I have offered to help with his books, I have had logos, business cards, flyers made for him. I had 15 shoots scheduled this month...what else can I do before it is not my fault anymore? I feel hopeless. Things will never change with us if he doesn't want to. I cannot make him go to church, or treat me better, I cant fix HIS life. We are stuck. We've hit a wall.
We have hit walls like this before and sometimes it takes forever to get over them and other times it is simple fix. I guess I can have hope in that and I'll just wait for however long this one takes. ~Kell

Heres a link to one of the talks they ladies mentioned. http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll?f=templates$fn=default.htm$xhitlist_q=tender%20mercies%20of%20the%20lord$xhitlist_x=Simple$xhitlist_s=relevance-weight$xhitlist_d=$xhitlist_hc=%5BXML%5D%5Bkwic%2C0%5D$xhitlist_xsl=xhitlist.xsl$xhitlist_vpc=first$xhitlist_sel=title%3Bpath%3Bcontent-type%3Bhome-title%3Bhit-context%3Bfield%3Azr%3Bfield%3ARefChurch